To business. Fourteen days ago, I was out of the country for the first time in twenty-five years. And I'm not even completely sure I actually crossed the border that time, although I did get a giant sombrero out of the deal. But I digress. It was an abslutely incredible cruise of the eastern Caribbean, and I've been trying to figure out how to share it with all of you in an efficient yet engaging manner. Here goes.
Landed in Fort Lauderdale and took a shuttle that honked a lot but wasn't aggressive. Shared the van with three middle-aged couples going on a different cruise. They envied me but only because I lied. Got to Haddon Hall in South Beach (water so clear you could see to the bottom - hundred-thousand-dollar cars, everybody's got 'em) where all the girls had put their clothes back on because of the cold. Balls. Smoked some hand-rolled cigars with no drugs, drank some rum, drank some beer, watched a kid get the shivers as he got hit on by guys in short-shorts and halter tops. Spent ninety dollars at a bar called Lost Weekend where, unsurprisingly, the beautiful bartenders had never heard of the movie. Wanted to buy a t-shirt but didn't. Bought drinks for an Adult Entertainer who bailed unexpectedly, which is a good thing. Fell asleep around four and missed our checkout time. Went to the dock and saw the boat. It looked like this:
Boarded easily with a birth certificate so real it looked fake. Put a liter of scotch and a six pack-of beer through the metal detector in my suitcase. Went to bed wondering how long it would be before I was sleeping on the balcony. Woke up and played some trivia, didn't win. Looked at pictures, read some Thompson, drank some scotch and played more trivia. Realized I forgot my good pants and tried to get a girl with a hook for a hand to match a tie to my business-casual getup. Looked like a Jack-O-Lantern. Drank some scotch, drank some rum, drank some wine. Went on a 6-hour blackout that started like this:
Got up and went outside to see a pirate ship that was maneuvering to board. It looked like this:
Was pretty out of it by then but am pretty sure we repelled them with small arms fire. Mine not included, which I had left behind thinking it would be discovered by the metal detector. Went snorkeling, kissed a stingray, burned my back to a deep and beautiful red. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it." Had a margarita at Margaritaville, had 6 vodka collinses at the bar. Bought a necklace. Played some trivia. Held an impromptu karaoke session on the stern, deck 9. Ate some free pizza, drank some Guinness, slept for three hours and got off the boat on Roatan. Took some pictures, bought some more necklaces, almost died in a van and rode some ziplines. Saw some guys get teabagged by a monkey. Tipped the monkey. Went to a private beach called Fantasy Island, wondered how many times the driver had heard jokes about "De plane, boss, de plane." Made a joke about De Plane. Floated on my back trying to burn my stomach. Failed. Went to buy a bucket of beer, bought a crate of beer instead. Drank some tasty beer. It looked like this:
Don't know what the drinking age was on Roatan but everyone came back on the gaier side of sobriety. Took our time getting ready and had to race through town to make the last tender back to the ship. It was loud as hell and we thought the others in the van were going to turn on us. It looked like this:
Ate some shrimp cocktail, ate some escargot, drank some Long Islands, drank some rum and wished I had more scotch. Closed the piano bar for the fourth straight night. Nearly got thrown out of the disco because somebody insisted on smoking his fucking cee-gar. Blacked out. Ate some pizza, drank some Boddington's, drank some whiskey sours, threw a flashlight off the balcony just to watch it sink. Hoped the power didn't go out since my flashlight was in the ocean. Woke up on a bus in Belize. Reset my autopilot which doesn't get used much but is still reliable, like a Dodge or a fat girl. Drank some cashew wine, drank some Crown, thought about asking the tour guide for pot. Don't smoke myself but he obviously had good stuff. Hiked in the jungle, floated down the river, didn't get batshit on me and was glad. Kissed a pig while no one was looking, gave it the flu. Ate some prime rib, drank some wine, drank some beer, drank some wine, drank some rum, played some bingo, wished I was young again, remembered I was, drank some rum, called the bank to get my debit card reactivated. Danced with the girl at the desk while I was on hold, because we were both missing the big show down the hall. Woke up early the next day for cartoon theme song trivia, won first place in overtime. Thanked FSM that I knew the Mighty Mouse theme song and the composer of The Pink Panther. Won a 24K gold plastic piece of ship. It looked like this:
It's sort of a blur after this. We went to Cozumel, I bought a bunch of shit, went to Paradise Beach and bought all the the drink specials with funny names. Did the backstroke out to the giant trampolines with my drink balanced on my rock-hard abs. Drank some more beer and got lost in a Mexican superstore. Played a game show where I guessed that a Big Mac might have weighed more than an average American female breast but in my defense I thought it was a trick question. Eliminated early, c'est la vie. Finished the last 36 hours in expected fashion, got off the boat and didn't get me land legs back fer nearly a week. Can't wait till next time.
M
Posts
How very Kerouac. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! I've never read him though so I'm not sure if that's good or bad :( Upon reading this sober I'll admit that the "It looked like this" is a blatant rip-off of Vonnegut but I don't remember which book. I doubt he will care though.
ReplyDelete