The Norm

Some of you may have read this already. Whether you have or haven't, I hope you enjoy it. I wrote it a few years ago after waking up from that place just after awake and just before asleep.



When Norm finally met his creator, he thought he was totally prepared. And so, of course, he wasn’t.

Norm opened his eyes, blinked two or three times, and gazed around him. He was floating, but this did not surprise him much. What did surprise him, however, was the little green sphere that he seemed to be floating toward.

“H-Hello?” There was no echo whatsoever.

“Hello-o-o…” Nothing. Norm could see now that the little green sphere was turning, rotating, and that there was something on the side that was about to face him. He tried to slow himself down, but just kept floating toward the sphere at the same speed, no matter how he clawed or flailed. Soon he saw a little shack, like a large outhouse, and next to it was a man in a floral-patterned shirt sitting in a lawn chair. He flicked something toward Norm and it zoomed by him with a whoosh, and was gone. The man and the house rotated out of view once more, and Norm crashed into the little green sphere. He bounced only a little.

“Where am I?” asked Norm, swatting at his shirt a couple times after realizing there was nothing to brush off. “I’m dead, right?”

The man took a bite of something, nibbled a bit, and flicked. This time, Norm recognized it as a pistachio shell. It flew off into the darkness, accelerating as it went.

“Yeh, guess you are. Or else why would you be here, am I right?” Crunch crunch crunch.

“I saw the gun pointing at me, and I remember thinking I was about to die, but then I was here. This could just be what unconsciousness is like. Or a coma, even.”

“Yeh, I suppose it could be, but most folks who come by here talk about their car being out of control or not being able to see their grandkids again. So you’re dead, likelier than not.” Nibble nibble.

“Makes sense. So where am I now?” The man looked at him and stopped nibbling the nut. “Well?” asked Norm again.

“Oh, sorry, I was just waiting for you to ask if this was Heaven or Hell. Most folks do.” Flick. Whoosh!

Norm snorted. “Huh, well, no, I don’t believe in either of those.”

“So where are you going after this?”

Norm suddenly realized that the man was wearing a Goofy hat. Not just a goofy hat, but one from Disneyland with Goofy the dog on it, his buck teeth sticking down from the bill. He had a sudden urge to say it, or better yet, shout it. I’m going to Disneyland! Later he would realize that he probably should have.

“I don’t know, I guess… I still don’t know where ‘this’ is…”

“This, my boy, is the beginning. This is where it all started. And I’m the one who started it.” Crunch crunch.

“What, the universe?” Norm was incredulous, and rightfully so. The man in the lawn chair flicked another shell. This one didn’t whoosh, but dropped down by Norm’s foot rather unimpressively.

“Huh. A dud.” The man cracked another shell.

“Where are you getting those? No – never mind. Are you telling me… are you telling me you’re… God?”

“Nah. Not any god you’ve ever heard of, anyway. Yeah, I created this universe, but I’m not exactly a deity.” Nibble nibble.

Norm thought for a moment. “This universe? You mean there’re more?”

“Shit, the guy in the next room might have one, for all I know. I’ve never been anywhere but right here, with occasional jaunts out there.” He pointed into the darkness, where tiny specks were now visible. “You’re from Earth, which is right over the chimney. See it? I drew a circle around it.” Norm saw it. It looked very small.

“So what else is out there? Is there intelligent life on any of them?”

“Yup, yup, on one of ‘em back that way.” The man jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “You guys’ll never find it, though. You look in all the wrong places. It’s expanding, outward, and that’s where humans look. If they would just look back this way a bit, they’d probably find me smiling and waving. They never will, though. I think it’s winding down anyway.” Flick. Whoosh!

“Winding down?”

“Yeah. See, the other world with intelligent life is almost dead. Your planet isn’t far behind. When there’s nothing left worth watching, I guess it’ll be someone else’s turn to try. When I woke up a long, long time ago, I came out of that shack right there and the guy who was sitting in this chair stood up, looked around and said ‘Good luck, kid’ and then vanished. I suppose that’s how it’ll be for me.”

Norm was getting excited. “So you created everything? How did you do it?”

“Well,” said the man, popping a whole pistachio in his mouth,” it was mostly trial and error. I started off with easy things, like plants. Easy, but boring. Then I started making little animals. Then bigger animals. Then I got really good, and I had all sorts of creatures walking around. All different. A little while longer, and I figured out how to make one like myself. He was so much fun. I never knew what he was going to do next. All of them, I mean. I made a lot, but you guys are pretty good at making yourselves. Only problem was the dinosaurs. They were eating you faster than you could reproduce. So I had to squash them. That’s when-“

“You squashed them? What do you mean?”

“Stepped on ‘em. Most of ‘em, anyway. People eventually took care of the rest.” Norm looked at the man in the Goofy hat, trying to imagine him stepping on dinosaurs.

“But what happens now?” Norm was getting impatient. “Is this it?”

“Oh no, I imagine you’ll be leaving any minute.”

“To go where?”

The man stopped munching for a few seconds. “Don’t know, kid, I honestly don’t know. Been trying to figure that out for a long, long time. I’m always hoping – well, I’m hoping that one of these days, one of you will be able to tell me.” Norm looked away, uncomfortable. But who am I uncomfortable for? he thought. Him, or me? Pretty soon, Norm started to feel a little uneven, like he was walking on the deck of a sailboat in choppy waters.

“Take it easy, kid. Looks like you’re on your way out. Some people, they just shimmer and…disappear. Some shoot off like rockets… never in the same direction though… looks to me like you’re all ashimmer… come back and let me know how it turns out, if you get a chance…”

Norm took one last wavering look, and saw the man in the lawn chair nibbling on something. Flick. Whoosh!