It's like when a bee flies in your car window and lands down by your feet and you can't see it and you're wondering if it's going to crawl up your leg

Last week a guy sold me a unicorn egg, and then laughed at me and called me a mean name. Well, the joke's on him, because it just hatched and I'm pretty sure my unicorn is on its way to poke that guy's eyes out.


On a serious note, though... we are fast approaching another new year, and I've been thinking about my New Year's resolution, which has been the same for a lot of years now - in essence, "Shut My Pie Hole." I mean, there are probably a few reasons why I feel I constantly have to be running my goddamn mouth - sometimes I just talk because I'm nervous, and I don't stop. And the more I talk, the less sense I make. I can actually see the point of what I was saying slip away, retreating and finally disappearing, and still my mouth moves. Also (and this has been pointed out to me a lot over the years) I always have to try and sound smart. I've always hoped that playing trivia nationwide against a bunch of other trivial people would be a good outlet for that crap so I could just have normal conversations with people. But no: regardless of what topic you bring up, there is probably some obscure piece of pointless information that nobody gives a rip about, and yet I am compelled to share it with you. Sometimes I bore myself with my talking, which is incredible, because I am NEVER bored. You know that saying, which goes something like "Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt?" I think that's a very clever saying, except that it was invented because of people like me. How depressing.
So if by chance we spend this New Year's eve together, please remember to join me in a toast to Health, Happiness and Shutting the Hell Up!

M

P.S. - I really wanted to share this with you.